A year of wishing things had turned out different.
A year of navigating the emotions of grief.
A year of milestones that were never met.
A year of wishing our baby girl was with us.
It's been a year.
Zivah Noelle came into this world sleeping on April 14, 2018 and while we never got to make the memories with her that we had hoped for, she left a mark on us that will never be forgotten.
It's been a year. And here we are a year later expecting her little sister, Grace Reign, our rainbow babe, in the next couple of weeks. It's been a whirlwind of emotions this year - excitement, then heartache and grief, followed by cautious excitement and anticipation. Now we are full of joy as we await sweet Grace.
Today is Zivah's "birthday" even though her due date wasn't until September. But it is the day she left my womb. We planned to do something small to commemorate this day but it's hard to choose what to do when you're 9 months pregnant and everything hurts.
We went to church and for some reason, Gabe has been choosing to sit with us in church rather than go to Kids Fuel. He says it's because we have more music. And today, the music really moved him. That sweet boy cried through two songs. I walked out with him after the last song so I could figure out what was wrong with him, thinking maybe he was emotional about his sister's birthday. His response? "The songs were just really good." I asked him how they made him feel - happy or sad - and he said they made him feel happy. I believe our child was moved by the insane love of God through song. That sweet moment was enough to do this mama in. It was a divine miracle that a box of tissues was available on our row. Between myself and my sweet boy, we went through about 1/4 of the box.
Shortly after church we went to lunch to eat and to visit our favorite waitress. Hubby and I had been discussing writing out our family "manifesto" of sorts, so we could have in writing a reminder of what we want our family to stand for. As we prepare to welcome another human into this crazy world and our firstborn inches ever so closer to pre-teen status, we have felt the need to do this. So as we waited on our food, we took some notes. It was Gabe's idea to use our last name as the letters for each value we stand for. And he even came up with the words for E and O. I love that he had a part in the creation of this but I also love that it's something we did on Zivah's birthday...the perfect way to honor her is by really figuring out what we want our family to be.
After we came home, I took to the computer to create our manifesto on paper and write a blurb about each value and why it's important. We plan to find a frame and hang it up in the near future but until then, I have posted it below. We do none of this perfectly but we wrote each item as if we do these things now. We might not right now... but we will. Every family is a work in progress and we are absolutely no exception. Only now, we have a written code of sorts to go by and to remind ourselves what's most important.
So...happy birthday, our angel Zivah. We hope the four of us will make you proud.
