...Surrender...

The connotations of that word are endless. It can mean many different things to many different people. But to me? It's a necessary action for this time of my life right now.

I NEED to surrender. All. Everything.

Let me be real. For the first three years of our marriage, J and I didn't struggle financially. Were we wealthy by the world's standards? No. But we were comfortable. We had what we needed and then some. We never worried about bills being paid or having enough for groceries. In essence, we didn't live paycheck to paycheck.

In the last year and a half, though, that has changed. We were blessed to be able to buy a house and we knew going into it that we were going to have to be careful because we would be paying more and we were having a baby. Things still weren't that rough but in the last 6 months, they have been rougher than usual. I've worried. I've cried. I've gotten angry. You know what none of those things did for me?

None of them changed the current situation. And why should it? God clearly has a plan for us in all of this and I have to trust Him. Nay, not just trust, but really surrender it all - the questions, the worry, the tears, the anger, the what ifs, and the whys. Why not? Why not us? What makes us so special that we shouldn't go through these trials? Perhaps He's chosen us to go through this because something wonderful is going to come out of it. So maybe we're special because we're going through this.

What I know is this: God has always provided. In every way. Every day. Through everything.

This morning during worship we sang the song, Forever Reign by Hillsong. The chorus goes like this, "Oh, I'm running to Your arms. I'm running to Your arms. The riches of Your love will always be enough. Nothing compares to Your embrace. Light of the world forever reign." He spoke to me in the moments of that song. In spite of our situation, He has to be enough. It was as if He was asking me directly, "Daughter, I know your struggle. I know your situation. But I alone have to be enough for you. If all else fails, if all else fades away, I, your Savior, have to be enough. Am I?"

I realized in that moment that the worry I've had over our financial situation was essentially telling Him that He wasn't enough. I have to be content with not only what I already have but with WHOSE I am. I am a daughter of the Most High. Why would that not be enough? If everything turned to dust tomorrow, if our only working car broke down, if we lost our house, if my husband never got another job and had to go on disability, Christ alone - the riches of His love - would have to be enough.

How can I be sure that He would be enough? Surrender. Surrender all. Let go and let God...something I am still learning to do.