Thursday, January 16, 2014

Search Me...

I should be going to bed right now. It's never a good idea for me to be up past 10 but I don't think I could sleep right now anyway...not after my own personal worship encounter in my office.

If you're a faithful reader, you know about my "Wilderness Journey" or you can read it here.

To get through the wilderness I have been doing my best at being diligent to do my devotion (doing a YouVersion one about Prayer right now), write in my prayer journal, and just spend some time in the Word and praying each night. And when I say I've been doing my best, what I really mean is I could be doing a whole lot better and I'm starting to find 30 minutes before bed is probably not the best time and I tend to fall asleep while I'm either writing in my prayer journal or reading mid-sentence in "Believing God." 

That's the Ever take a look inside yourself and just really not like what you see? Yea...that's me. I'm rather disgusted with myself right now actually - my attitudes about things and situations and people. 

A friend posted a Kari Jobe song on facebook called "Find You on My Knees" and man oh man - it wrecked me. I'm talking head in hands, tears streaming down my face neck, snot running over (you get the picture). I sat on my knees in my office kneeling at my office chair while I played that song over a few times and just cried out to God (in a whisper of course since I don't want to wake the sleepers in the house). The scripture, "Search me oh God, and know my heart. Try me and know my thoughts.See if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting" has been weighing heavily on me...especially the second part. I asked God fervently to search my heart and chisel away the nasty stuff because I know there's plenty of it. My ugly thoughts about people, my less than Christ-like reactions to situations, my lack of love for the very people that God has called me to love - - - it's all gotta go. 

I read a blog post by a friend today who was talking about her social media fast and what God has been teaching her and ya know what? I think it may be time for another one. I've done two in the past - one last year around the beginning of the year and one the year before that. Only, I have to do something different with my fast this time and I haven't quite figured out what that will be yet. All I know is this: God has searched me and He is revealing the things in myself that I want gone. That might call for some drastic measures - but then again, Jesus does call us to some drastic measures doesn't He? 

I have found out that the "searching" part doesn't hurt at all. The "revealing" part tends to cause some pressure. But when God gets to "chiseling" and "chipping" away that yuck in your life, it tends to cause pain. But that is what this process is going to take. It might hurt - but in the end, I hope to come out of it shining like Jesus - - - looking less like me, and more like Him.

Search Me

I asked you to search me
You said it might hurt
I said I didn't mind
As long as it worked

You said, "Oh it will -
But I have to go deep
I have to chip off
All that gunk you can't keep."

Whatever it takes, Lord
Now, I'm all Yours.
"Oh, you've always been mine, dear
Of that you can be sure."

Make sure You get it all, God
All that stuff that weighs me down
I'm tired and weary
Of simply carrying it around

"I'll get it rid of it all, love
Anything not of Me
You'll be a different person
Just wait and see."

I'm so sorry, Lord
For letting You down
I thought I had it under control
Till I started to drown.

"My Hand has always been there
But listen here, my love
You can't let Me down
You've never held Me up."

"Get this right, dear child
It is I that hold you
You are in My hands forever
Remember that truth."

He holds you up - not the other way around. Remember that, friends. 

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