Monday, April 9, 2012

A Real Confession...

Let me just preface this post with the fact, or rather opinion, that I am not generally a "woe is me" type of person. I like to think of myself as an optimist, one who can find the positive in any situation. Case in point: our main AC is not working and we really don't have the money to fix it if it's a major issue. But, we do have a window unit in the Florida room and just cleaned that room thoroughly so we could open it up and let the air flow. The positive is that it's cooling and hey, we'll save money on electric by not running the main AC.

Anyway...that's not the point of this post. I just want to confess that....I feel lonely.

Now, I am not by any means, alone. Ever. I have my Savior which in reality is all I need to sustain me. I have my wonderful husband who is so much more than I deserve at times and I have an adorably energetic little boy who constantly makes my heart melt. I am so blessed, there are not even words.

But even though I am constantly surrounded by people at home, at work, at church...I still feel lonely. It hit me like a ton of bricks today. I think it was a couple of things: I realized that I had forgotten all about my best friend's birthday. Shame on me! And two: it sunk in deep for some reason today that my other best friend, my childhood best friend, has indeed moved to the other side of the country. So now my two best friends live on the opposite side of America, thousands of miles, and hundreds of dollars in gas or plane tickets away. I've had almost 3 years now to be used to the one being far away. She lived in Canada for most of that time. I guess the upside is that at least she is back in the states.
Love you, Char!

My other bestie? The one I literally grew up with? The one who has seen me at my best and at my worst? The one who stood by my side at my wedding holding my flowers and straightening my train? She's moved too. And it really hit me that now when I get to go back to Ocala, I won't get to see her. Shoot...she's been in South Dakota for nearly a month now and this is just now hitting me. Which has also made me realize that I took her for granted. While I moved away for college and got married and stayed here, she was faithfully in Ocala where I assumed she would stay. Why would I assume that? I didn't spend as much time with her as I should have when I was in town. I didn't call or text on a regular basis. And we sure have had our ups and downs over the past few years. And I've known for at least a year or more that this time was coming...that her hubby would get his assignment from the Air Force and off she would go. I knew this. But maybe a weird sense of denial kept it from really registering. Well, consider it registered. And I miss her...something fierce.
Love to my Ames!


The bottom line: I miss having friends. Don't get me wrong. My husband is my best friend and I can and do tell him anything. I also happen to have the best mother on the planet who I can also talk to about anything. But I miss my friends. And to be brutally honest? I don't have any here.

Now I have 3 of the best sisters in law a girl could ask for and an awesome church family and small group. But that type of friend who just gets you? The one who understands your quirks, your faults and what makes you tick and loves you anyway because you know the same things about her? Those two people don't live here. And as much as I LOVE my church family and would not trade them for the world, they all seem to have their own friendships and as awesome as they are, sometimes I still feel like an outsider. So...is it me? Is there something about me that makes people not want to be around me. Because these tears that are falling from my face right now are the sign that maybe that's the problem. Maybe I don't offer enough to people. Maybe I don't try hard enough.

I do know this: I try to be loyal. I try to be a friend to others. I try. The question is: do I succeed?

I'm hosting a Thirty-One Gifts party on Saturday and invited well over 30 people. Only about 3 are even coming. And I could care less if they bought anything. I just like to be around Godly women. Every time I get another facebook notice saying someone else declined my invite, I feel deeper into this lonely feeling. Now common sense and logic would tell you that those people have lives and probably have plans that day. But I'm not operating on common sense or logic right now. I'm operating on feelings alone and my feelings keep telling me that maybe I'm just not good company. Do I talk too much about myself? Do I not take time to listen to other people? Do I give off a negative vibe?

Now, if you're reading this, I don't need you to respond to these questions or tritely reassure me. I'm simply writing. I'm a pretty transparent person but even though I could unload stuff on 10 different people, nothing is quite as healing, cathartic, and therapeutic for me as just writing about it. So consider this my own person therapy session where you the reader are sitting in the chair nodding and taking notes with your glasses sitting halfway down your nose while I lay on the couch babbling incessantly about my so called woes. Only you don't get paid - sorry.

I just want that one friend. I was so blessed that I found two. Unfortunately in my case, Utah and South Dakota have their hold on them and that doesn't do me much good here when I just want that girl time where we talk about anything and laugh till we cry.

I guess, as with all things that weigh heavily on me, it's time to let go and let God. Let Him bring  me that friend that I long for.

And with that,  if you have lasted to the end of this post without screaming, "Quit complaining already!", I commend you. Although, let it be noted that I'm not complaining. I'm expressing...at least that's my story. And I think I'll stick to it.