I've always had what I needed and probably, more often than not, what I wanted. I've never been "rich" by the American standard but compared to the actual majority of the world, I am quite.
I have never really struggled with trusting God. It's always come easy for me. Having an unshakeable faith seemed as natural as breathing to me. He has always had that pattern of providing and has yet to disappoint me. So what then, pray tell, is my problem now?
In all honesty and transparency, I have been in a "funk" of sorts for a couple of days. And for anyone who knows me at all, I don't hide "funks" very well. You can pretty much tell if there's something bothering me.
I felt as if I had gotten through this funk yesterday, until no one showed up to my Thirty-One Gifts party...and hard as I might try not to let it bother me, it did. Even though I had pretty much anticipated that it would be a bust, I still held on to that one glimmer of hope that maybe a few people would show up. Nope....just mom and me. I felt rather pathetic actually.
But again, to be honest, that's not the source of the "funk." Well then, you ask, what is?
I really can't get into the nitty gritty because well, to be frank, it's none of your business. But...
Yes, there's always a "but"...
I realized this morning during worship that I was....
...are you ready for it?
Angry.
Me. Angry.
About what? At who?
You guessed it. At the One whom I have no right to be angry with...God.
How did I arrive at this conclusion? Worship, as wonderful as it was this morning with the awesome band, Letters from Patmos, was difficult for me to enter into. And that, my friends, is not normal. Worship has always been easy for me. Entering into the throne room has never been a problem. But this morning, I felt like I was having my own private battle. I stood part of the time with my arms folded across my chest...not a problem for anyone else...but that's just not a normal worship posture for me. That's a guarded posture for me. And...we weren't even half way through the first song before I was in tears. I found myself halting my singing when certain lines came up because at the moment, I didn't feel that way. And I'm not going to sing something I don't mean to the Creator of the Universe. I'm just not that type of person.
As I wondered to myself what was wrong with me, I felt like God and I had a little conversation. It went a little something like this:
God: So why don't you just admit it?
Me: Admit what exactly?
God: You know what.
Me: Um, no.
God: Let it go.
Me: Let what go?
God: You hear that? That tone? Admit it, child.
Me: What do you want to hear, Lord? That I'm scared? That I'm worried? That this is not the way things are supposed to be and this was not the answer to our prayers? You want me to admit that I'm a bit upset at how things seem to be turning out?
God: A bit upset?
Me: Okay, fine. I'm angry.
God: Now we're getting somewhere.
Me: I'm angry at YOU!
God: I know.
Me: Of course You do. But I'm angry at me too.
God: Why?
Me: Duh...because I'm angry at You.
God: That makes sense.
Me: Of course it does. What right do I have to be angry at You?
God: None.
Me: Exactly...so You see my dilemma then?
God: I see everything.
Me: I know You do.
God: Do you? Everything, daughter. The beginning , the middle, and the end. I see it all. The big picture. And it's going to turn out okay. Better than okay. You are never going to be alone in this and you're going to learn a lot. Just, trust Me in the meantime.
Me: That's just it! Trusting You has always been easy for me. Now, it's not and that bothers me.
God: We'll get past it. I understand. I get it. This isn't something I haven't heard before. It's the story of My existence. But...trust Me even when it's hard and I promise it will be worth it in the end.
So all in all, my worship experience this morning was...interesting.
God and I still have a lot of work to do on me. And I'm not sure when this "funk" will pass but I trust that it will. I trust that this rough patch will give way to smoother surfaces soon and that when we reach the other side of this ordeal that we will be stronger. I trust that even though I don't understand and I don't see the big picture, that God does and He will be with me every step of the way. I guess the most important thing here is that I simply trust.
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