Sunday, January 15, 2012

Time - Why Won't it Stop?

This Friday, my sweet precious boy will be a year old. Where does the time go? I know that is a so overused question but seriously, I feel like there is a black hole in my life somewhere just sucking all the time out of it. It's lost and gone forever. I have been so emotional lately (my poor husband). I wondered out loud today if this was a normal mother thing...if all mothers go a little crazy at the one year mark because they realize that in like 2 more seconds, that little child is going to be all grown up. I've been weepy off and on all weekend and it's not even officially his birthday.

But in the midst of it all, God found a way to speak to me....on the way home from a last minute Publix run at 9:30 this morning (mid cake baking, I ran out of powdered sugar). I just started crying randomly again (go figure!) but this time they were tears of pure joy. I just thanked God for the blessing of that sweet little boy that I am certain I don't thank Him enough for and then I just started giving thanks for all the blessings in my life that I tend to take for granted sometimes. I asked Him, "God, what did I do to deserve such goodness?" And that's when He whispered the answer to me: "That's the beauty of grace, My daughter. You don't deserve it. And yet, I still give it to you." Oh, how humbling. I began to ask forgiveness for not trusting Him like I should...for being worried about finances. I mean, for the last 24 years of my life, He has provided. So why on earth would I doubt that now? I told Him from now on, our finances were in His hands and I would trust in His timing for this railroad job for Jason and trust that He would provide what we needed WHEN we needed it. And what do I get in return? Jason got paid $75 today for a job he did for a family member several months ago. Others were worried about him not being paid but for some reason, we didn't sweat it. And in our time of need, wondering if we would have enough to make it to the end of the month to my payday, God came through...like He always has, always does, and always will.

Aside from that, I know that this week will end up being busy and I probably won't get a chance to post this so I'm going to now. This is my poem to my precious little boy, nothing out of this world but just trying to put into words how this 1st birthday business it affecting me.

I Won't Blink

It was love at first sight
My heart was yours
Not a minute old
And I loved you to my core

Time stood still
If only for a moment
But when I saw you
I knew you were heaven sent

For only God can create
Such a beautiful gift
Because you, my son
Give my spirit a lift

I cannot believe
That a year has passed
If I could just stop time
Or make these moments last

I only wish
That I could guarantee
That years from now
You'll still need me

Oh sweet baby boy
You must know
How much I love you
And every second it grows

I know I can't stop time
That's silly to think
So from here on out
I just won't blink.