Wednesday, August 17, 2011

No Words...

Okay, so my last post was a bit selfish and petty. I get that now. I hate what caused my attitude to change but I am glad it is changed.

Monday morning, I was really struggling. I broke down in tears a couple of times before I even left the house. Leaving Gabriel this time was harder than when I left after 6 weeks of maternity leave. I cried once I think on the way to work and when I got there, I just was not thrilled. I got everything out of my car and into my classroom in two trips and then sat there overwhelmed at all the stuff I had to do. We had a faculty meeting at 9:00 and by the time I got in and sat down, my phone was going off. It was a text message from a good friend who was wishing me a happy first day back. But then she asked if I had heard about April's husband. I'll admit it took me a second to figure out who she was talking about (I work with an April so at first I was confused) but I quickly figured it out and told her I had not. Then she delivered the horrible news that he had died early that morning in a car accident. I was floored. I had to excuse myself for a moment to call my husband and tell him and I ended up in tears again. This beautiful young lady with 2 children has suddenly lost her husband...not to mention she is still going through treatments for breast cancer. HOW IS THAT FAIR?!?

When I went home for lunch I just collapsed in Jason's arms and cried. There I was complaining about having my room and team switched at school...but how does that tiny inconvenience even come close to comparing to this tragedy? I'll tell doesn't come close AT ALL! I was upset with myself for letting something so small get to me. So I immediately decided my attitude was going to change this year. I was going to CHOOSE to be positive and CHOOSE to be the best I could be no matter what might be thrown my way.

I cannot imagine the pain sweet April is experiencing right now but I told Jason that if it were me...I probably wouldn't want to hear anything anyone had to say. "I'll pray for you?" "Hold your head up?" "Stay strong in the Lord?" None of that is going to bring him back and all the "normal" things people say to other grieving people just seem so trite. I stood in the card section of Target searching for a sympathy card for her for a while and ended up leaving empty handed. None of the cards seemed right. Perhaps that's because none of them were. There is nothing I or any piece of folded card stock can say to make this situation any better. All I can do is pray for God's peace to fall around her and her beautiful kids. Will you pray for her too? Pray for healing in her body and now healing in her heart.

Jason told me that ever since the news on Monday I have been telling him that I love him even more. I didn't realize it but he noticed it and I guess I just want him to know. We are not promised tomorrow so make sure you let the people you love know it.

On a lighter note, my birthday is Friday and Jason and I decided to get away for the weekend to St. Augustine. So, Gabriel will be with my mom Friday and Saturday night. I know I'm going to miss him a lot but hubby and I really need this time together. I'm excited to get away for a relaxing weekend before the kids come back to school on Monday.

Right now, I'm exhausted and am going to bed. So good night.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Please Don't....

...tell me to basically just deal with it. Just because we all have stuff to deal with does not mean I don't have a right to be upset. Yes, I know that there are bigger things in life but to me right now, this is a big one. And I will sure as heck deal with it in any way I see fit. So if pouting and throwing myself a pity party complete with balloons, cake, and confetti is how I feel like dealing with it, then let me be. I will eventually work through it as I do with all things so if you have a problem with how I manage things that upset me, then don't pay attention.

Whew! Sorry. Had to get that off my chest. I'm going back to work tomorrow. And let me tell you...I am overjoyed......NOT! I got to school Thursday in hopes of putting some of my room together and then I was told I was switched to not just another room, but another team entirely. Moving rooms is not the issue here as I really have nothing much to move since I brought it all home with me. But, I am being taken from the team I know and the team I am comfortable with and have a good relationship and foundation with and being put on another team. Now, if you are not a teacher, this might not make any sense to you or sound like a huge issue but it is a really big deal to me. I still consider myself a new teacher (even though this is my 3rd year) because there is still so much I have yet to learn and I feel like the team I've been on has helped me grow professionally. And while I may not enjoy every aspect of my job, those ladies on my team definitely made the rough moments smoother and the hard times easier and the confusing issues clearer. And now I am being ripped from them (dramatic, yes, but I am feeling dramatic tonight) and I am just really upset about it. I'll eventually get over it but when a colleague of mine feels the need to tell me to just put my big girl panties on and deal with it because we all have to deal with just really burns my biscuits. Thus, the rant at the beginning.

Anyway, that's my soapbox for this evening...and now I'm stepping off of it. Gotta get ready for bed. The end.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Less than a week...

I have less than a week (5 days to be exact) before I have to go back to work. And that means leaving Gabriel all over again. I have thoroughly enjoyed this summer, although I didn't get nearly the stuff done that I wanted to get done. But, in the last 8 weeks, he has grown so much and learned so much. And I have been there for all of it. Now, I have to go back to work and I just really hope I don't miss anything new.

Here is a list of milestones that we have encountered this summer:
-Starting solids
-First vacation
-Moving to stage 3 diapers
-Crawling (though still perfecting)
-Sitting up alone
-Pulling up in crib to standing position (now does effortlessly)
-Eating puffs
-Eating mum mums by himself
-Sleeping 9-11 hours a night (WooHoo!)

He is growing so fast I can hardly stand it.

I am really not looking forward to this school year...which sucks. I managed to psyche myself up last year but that has not happened yet. I just plain don't want to start. How horrible is that! I wish I could say I love my job...but I don't. I adore the people I work with. I have amazing pod mates and amazing co-workers in my department but the actual job itself leaves something to be desired. I found another open position at the middle school I want to teach at so I've applied and am praying for favor again. I truly want God's will though. I've prayed that if it is His will, then I will get it with no problem and be great at it but if it's not and He wants me to stay at the Hill then I will do so and work as hard as I can to be the best I can. I know this year will be an even more challenging one at the Hill and we have our work cut out for us but if He wants me there, then I will do it as unto Him.

This weekend is my niece's (the one living with us) 1st birthday party. I cannot believe she is going to be ONE already. It feels like just last week that I held her in my arms and bragged to everyone I knew about my beautiful niece. I was one proud Auntie. Now my sweet lil Mileena is going to be one. Her mama and I worked today to get some more stuff done for her Candyland themed party and my hubby made the castle out of cardboard. It looks pretty cool! I've been planning Gabe's party too. I've got the invitation done, the food decided on, the invitation list complete (I think), and part of the centerpieces bought that I plan to do.

Well, we have a Language Arts planning meeting tomorrow from 9-2 so I need to get ready for bed and get some good rest. Good night!